@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

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@dadthatwrites

God: It’s called the violin.

Angel: Does it sound good.

God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.

Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?

God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.

Angel: No middle ground?

God: BLEEDING BALLS.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@Gooooats

Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.

@LoniBryantt

It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL

@david8hughes

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

@RandomBest

“I got this.”

Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@Gupton68

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

@JohnnyCrash5

Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.