God: It’s called the violin.
Angel: Does it sound good.
God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.
Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?
God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.
Angel: No middle ground?
God: BLEEDING BALLS.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.
It’s OK if you’re older and hate millennials that’s fine but next time you can’t figure out how to print a word doc DONT ASK ME CAROL
“What time will you be home?”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“I got this.”
Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.