Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
You Might Also Like
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!