People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.