Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
mariah carrie
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”