“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You Might Also Like
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I’m doing my own taxes so I’ll probably be in jail this time next year.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.