Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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When #WasteHisTime2016 backfires on you
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.