Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
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Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
technically true but not a great slogan
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.