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@Knorg

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@usermcuserface

Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

@heyliv_

How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@Kendragarden

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

@rabiasquared

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.