If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Who’s your best friend?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo