Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
You Might Also Like
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
SPLOOT
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.