Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
You Might Also Like
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
School be like
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Yup….perfect score!
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.