@FU_TangClan

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

@ceejoyner

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

@rockymomax

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

@GorillaNipples1

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

@errdayhustlah

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

@cromp_daddy

man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh

@Cravin4

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

@Sassafrantz

Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.