Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful…
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired
woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.