Ween: Hallo!

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Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.


It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.


Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.


[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out


If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.


If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.


man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh


My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff


Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.