Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off
me: im not vibing with this baby man
doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious
my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
70% of writing is writ?