@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

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@LackOfShame

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

@ninatreemonkey

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@RaylaRimpson

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@CanadianMclovin

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me ūüôĀ

@WilliamRodgers

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@Donna_McCoy

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.