“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
no their not
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people