NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi