ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Pigeon open mic night.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-