Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.