@urmumsausername

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

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@GroovyTasia

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

@pittdave13

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

@AristotlesNZ

OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.

@The_MartiniGirl

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@daneZie

Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?

@HoldinCoffeeld

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

@Megatronic13

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.