me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier


My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.


5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…


I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.


If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,


I bet whenever a cow eats a lot of grass she says to her friends “I’ve been eating like a cow!” and they’d laugh and moo or whatever cows do


“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
*complete silence*