Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.