me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.


Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!


I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.


Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.


Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second


husband: babe what do we need from the store

me: how did you get this number


[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC


[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao




[i arrive in super hell]