@mortimermaiden

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

You Might Also Like

@cerberustic

Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@JohnLyonTweets

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

@caithuls

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

@TheSharona06

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

@Michabean

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

@bobvulfov

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

@ddsmidt

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.