@mortimermaiden

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

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@sheseemslegit

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

@UnFitz

โ€œEvery girlโ€™s crazy โ€˜bout a sharp-dressed manโ€ he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

@noog

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

@OneTrickTofani

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain ๐Ÿ˜‰

@djdarrellripley

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Donโ€™t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.