@cerberustic Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.
@mortimermaiden me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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@cerberustic 
@JulieSnark If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
@JohnLyonTweets The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
@caithuls MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
@TheSharona06 Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
@Michabean Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
@bobvulfov BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
@Kyle_Lippert I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@ddsmidt Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.