Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sheseemslegit

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

@UnFitz

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

@noog

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

@OneTrickTofani

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

@djdarrellripley

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

@matt___nelson

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.