me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I triple waxed for this?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.