Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]


If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.


The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?


some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep


I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water
Eau my God


If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.


That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.


I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.