Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
3% human
97% stress
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Damn what did I do next
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.