ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester