ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.


Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm


Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now


*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?


you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between


My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.


sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no


Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?


I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)