Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between
My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.
I couldn’t be more proud.
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)