Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
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🚲+physics = winner
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
absolute chaos
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Overindulged this afternoon.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.