Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Scream sneezers need love too.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
When you’re here for the treats.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.