Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me