Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39