Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
You Might Also Like
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.