@drinksmcgee

Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@joci2203

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

@ashmensch

Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.

@Dirty_Naomi

Hubs: There’s nothing on TV *winks*
Me: Remember last time?

*both look at 2yo*

Hubs: There’s over 900 channels, we’ll find something

@iwearaonesie

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

@spicy_peen

What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long