Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
thanksgiving in nutshell
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?