“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.