Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.