Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda