Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.