Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
August 8
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.