Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”