Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.