*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.