Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct