Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
me hooking up with my ex
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hitlers gonna hitl
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A choir of Spring onions
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming