@thedad

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

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@JanuaryJames

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

@WilliamRodgers

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

@thedadvocate01

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

@Ochie2S

[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!

@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo

@ShellHasDragons

Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere

@daemonic3

me: do you know why i have an irrational fear of wedding ceremonies

therapist: i do

me: *screams in absolute horror*

@AudreyPorne

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that