I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
You Might Also Like
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”
[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo
Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere
me: do you know why i have an irrational fear of wedding ceremonies
therapist: i do
me: *screams in absolute horror*
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that