Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
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one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Put a ring on it
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?