@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?

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@moprob1ems

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Me:

@HenpeckedHal

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

@joeljeffrey

I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@spaceboyriley

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

@Playing_Dad

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

@Megatronic13

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*