@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

@ChabbyD

My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.

@squirrel74wkgn

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

@WheelTod

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@AIMMadellynne

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

@internetluke

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

@AmoNickk

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@SaltyCorpse

You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.