ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
work smarter, not harder
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.