me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You Might Also Like
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Happy weekend !
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
White Castle for the Win
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me