Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.