Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?



2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt


Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.

Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.


“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room


me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]


migraine |my-grain|
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field


If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.


*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!


fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce