@_little_old_me
@TheBoydP
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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@TheBoydP
@punished_picnic
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
@sweetmomissa
Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.
Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.
@stephanidek
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
@OzKamal
“Age is just a number “
Yeah and prison is just a room
@Skoog
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
@buttnight
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
@CharlieDinkin
If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
@internetluke
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
@Shen_the_Bird
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce