@_little_old_me

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

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@TheBoydP

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

@punished_picnic

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

@sweetmomissa

Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.

Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.

@OzKamal

“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room

@Skoog

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

@buttnight

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

@internetluke

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

@Shen_the_Bird

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce