I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?