me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.