me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

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I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.


Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules


Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.


Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”


Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed


Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What


[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*


Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?