me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back