me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.


I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?


17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?


Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so


Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.


Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.


Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.


I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30