Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.
9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
HER: So, are you religious?
FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic
HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
FRANKENSTEIN: My foot
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE