me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

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Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.

9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.


Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.


People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.


Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*


Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too


I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from


Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*



HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?



If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE