me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
peep davidson
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?