Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them