5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
me: are u Scottish
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed