@AmericanGent69

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

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@iinkedZombie

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@flashember

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

@mydanimarie

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

@envydatropic

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed