“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Hear me out: A printer but it works.
Your honor, I second that motion
Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?
My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*