@sassiocity

Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.

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@onelongbender

My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.

@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@bingowings14

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

@shkeeber

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

@CindyMeakin

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

@fuzzlime

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

@carlyken

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”