Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.

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My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.


Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?


‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’


‘Not quite that excited.’


I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?


Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.


them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*


[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”