6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.