Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
(yawn)
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Blew my mind.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*