Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
💻🤡
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities