“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
u spoke cat all this time??????
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity